Raised upon coral reefs bathed in lilac waters,
I emerged from the temperate ocean and almost immediately forgot how to swim. I threw myself back into the pool more times than I can count,
Hoping I’d remember how to keep myself afloat.
Each time, however, I nearly drowned
And was painfully reminded
That I am permanently displaced from who I once was.
They say I’ve evolved for the best,
Grown more apt to the environment to which I’ve immigrated,
The environment that’s made me struggle to shape my identity,
The environment that’s made me question whether parts of my identity
Are even acceptable to hold on to.
I couldn’t allow myself to agree.
The moment no one was watching, I returned to my coral reef;
Wanting to prove myself wrong, wanting to prove them wrong.
But upon viewing the decomposing remains of my birthplace,
I realized that part of me died when I first surfaced.
It was the innocence that kept me ignorant to their insincerity,
Unaware of their unwelcoming aloofness,
And blind to their bewitching beliefs.
I never knew how much I’d crave someone else’s approval.
But then again, I never dreamed that their disapproval
Would damn me to disapprove of myself.
After all, why would I need buoyancy
When their intent was to beat me to ground level?
Why would I need a gentle ripple encasing my movements
When they’d only turn them into tsunami waves?
Why would I need a surface undulating and oscillating
When all they want is a semblance of stability and certainty?
It’s ironic how I’d give anything now to feel that drowning sensation again.
At least then I’d feel something.
At least then my body wouldn’t be dry and shriveled and bitter
From too much exposure to the sun.
At least then I’d have something more in my lungs
Than exclamations of self-loathing and bitterness and regret.
At least then the last thing I’d witness would be lilac
Rather than shadow and monochrome and blackness.

Jess Wilber is a recent graduate of Oberlin College, where she double-majored in Environmental Studies & East Asian Studies with a double-minor in Politics & History and a concentration in International Affairs. She has been working with Citizens’ Climate Lobby (CCL) since her freshman year of college and helped to pioneer their current programs for students in Higher Education. She was among the first members of the Campus Leaders Program, which seeks to educate and empower students to become effective climate advocates and organizers in their communities. She founded the Oberlin College CCL Chapter, or OCEAL, and worked alongside other student environmental groups to create a powerful and cohesive climate movement on campus. She was then hired as the organization’s first Great Lakes Regional Fellow, where she managed a network of K-12 and college-level students and educators engaged in climate advocacy. She has also coordinated research and organizing projects with CCL's education, diversity, and international teams. Beyond her climate work, Jess is a musician, poet, certified mediator, and nationally and world-ranked equestrian in the Morgan Horse circuit. To learn more about CCL and their Higher Education Team, please visit citizensclimatelobby.org and citizensclimatehighered.org.